Shot Through the Heart Or Maybe Not
by ChidoriTachibana
Summary: Alucard gives Seras a gift but instead of sweet friendship, he recieves sweet revenge. PURE CRACK! Extreme OOC! You have been warned!
1. A Harmful Gift

I've just gotten an idea from watched an abridged episode of Hellsing. I've always wondered if there might be another way how Seras got her rifle, so I made a small comic strip that consisted of several abridged references and a vampire's lung injured. Be warned! Everybody is OOC!

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><p>Seras was still sitting in her bed, fully dressed but still sleepy. How did she get herself into such a mess?<p>

"Hey, Police Girl!" Alucard called from the other side of the door outside. "I have a gift for you!"

"Since when do you give gifts?" Integra questioned as she walked by. "I thought you didn't like that girl."

"But she'll love this present I'm giving her," the red clad vampire said, lifting up a long wooden case that looked quite heavy. "I had it custom made for her." He returned to his banging on the door. "Hey, Police Girl, this present is getting heavy! If you don't open the door quick, I'll force the door open with this-"

The wooden door swung open and there stood Selas. "There. I opened the [bleep]ing door. Happy now?" she asked, looking quite angry. "Oh, good morning, Sir Integra," Selas greeted, noticing her master's master. "Alucard, what did you bring me?"

"A present. Let me into your room," the dark-haired vampire said. Without even waiting for her answer, he stepped in and put the case on the table. With a swift movement, he opened it, revealing a large rifle.

"Master, you are too kind! I can't believe you actually bought me an actual [bleep]ing rifle!" Selas exclaimed, smiling. "Thank you!"

Alucard grinned and said, "Just make sure you don't ever shoot me in the-" Suddenly, his young servant picked up the rifle, loaded it, and fired right through her master's right lung in less than five seconds.

"Aaah!" Alucard exclaimed, collapsing onto the floor in agony. "My right lung! Argh!" As a pool of blood flooded around him, he glanced up at his servant in agony.

"That's for shooting me through my right lung when we first met," Selas said. "Now, we're even." She put the rifle back into its case quickly and walked out of the room with it.

"Never… again will I… give her a gun for a gift," Alucard mumbled before blacking out.

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><p>What do you think? I'm not sure if it's a good crack one-shot. Review if you demand an extra chapter, more improvements, a sequel, or an actual abridged Hellsing FanFiction story. Review!<p>

Wheelie


	2. Target Practice

Lots of reviewers demanded another chapter, so here comes another one I whipped out. Enjoy!

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><p>"But master, I <em>hate<em> target practice," Seras moaned as she lugged her huge rifle with her into the dark forest, "And _especially_ in dark forests! Why do we always have to do it at night? Why not in the morning? I'm always tired after a training session at night!"

"SHUT UP, POLICE GIRL!" the red clad vampire cried. "SHUT UP BEFORE I GOUGE OUT YOUR EYEBALLS AND RIP OUT YOUR SPINE AND CHOKE YOU WITH IT!" The pair was in silence as they walked towards the target practice area. As they trudged through countless bogs and swamps, the blonde seemed to notice that there were more and more skulls popping out from everywhere.

"Master, what's with all of these skulls?" the blonde asked, picking up one of them. Suddenly, a red glow began to come out of the eye holes and blood stains appeared all over the trees around them. "Eek!" She dropped it and the blood stains soon disappeared.

"That thing is used to spray special liquid everywhere to find the blood stains of your target and to see if your pierced the head. Did I mention that we'll be killing ghouls tonight?" Alucard explained. "Or did Walter already tell you that earlier? I'll fill you in. The ghouls will be organically made from criminals that have gone permanently—"

"—insane and cannot be cured no matter what," Seras finished, interrupting her master. "I've literally heard you say that a thousand times and you're still surprised whenever I interrupt you. Is it not a normal occurrence anymore?" The elder vampire sighed before stopping in front of a large dome.

"Now, Police Girl, I want you to destroy that metal dome by hitting that three millimeter thick mechanical pencil on the very top of it. I'm giving you exactly two minutes," he said, disappearing into the shadows behind him. "Ciao."

"Alright, Seras, aim for the bottom to knock it down," she mumbled to herself, aiming for the impossible target. With a flick of her finger, a thick bullet was fired at the top of the dome, knocking down the harmless looking pencil and as the pencil was hit; flames began to envelope the entire dome, covering it in a sea of inferno in less time than you can say "'Kay thanks for burning down my steel colored dome".

Alucard reappeared, clapping his hands with a smile on his face. "Nice job, Police Girl," he said. "Now, do you think I should appear in a commercial one day? My shiny teeth could do a lot and I'm good at burning people with my laser eyes."

"Master, you don't have laser eyes for the umpteenth time!" the blue-eyed vampire cried, reloading her Harkonnen. "And even if you did, what purpose would they even serve?" Her master took off his orange sunglasses and soon, some red lasers shot out of his eyes and made two neat holes in a nearby tree.

"Uh… I know a good commercial for you," Seras quickly said. "What about laser hair removal?"

"No. I don't like the idea of my eyes staring at a woman," he said, polishing his gun.

"What about one on toothpaste?"

"… I don't like brushing my teeth…"

"And that's the reason why Integra never talks with you for more than twenty minutes," the blonde concluded, aiming for the group of ghouls coming towards them. She aimed and fired, blasting through dozens of them. Alucard joined her and began firing quickly.

"You actually count?" he asked, quite amazed.

"No. That's what the crowd of fangirls at the front of the manor always tell me," the vampire servant explained, kicking a ghoul in the head before shooting it. "Damn. I'm out of bullets again. Can you hand me some of those Twinkies you carry around all of the time?" She began to use her large rifle as a club, knocking down the dangerous undead criminals.

"How'd you know they were expired?" Alucard asked, surprised.

"You talk in your sleep too much," she answered. "Your coffin always has its lid taken off whenever you sleep." With a sweep of her arm, she knocked twelve heads to the ground.

"Alright, fine!" the red clad vampire grumbled, taking out a large box of expired pastries and handing them to his servant who loaded them into her gun.

"Beware my Twinkie bullets!" Seras cried, firing at random and laughing maniacally. Alucard sighed as the last of ghouls were shot down. Flattened bullets and bits of Twinkies littered the ground, looking like the military had decided to destroy some Twinkies with a machine gun.

"It's been a long night. Let's go back to the manor, Police Girl," he said, beginning to walk out of the forest. Seras regained her sanity and followed her vampire master to their home. After two hours of going through the bogs and swamps, they arrived at the large mansion. Integra was standing outside with a small cigar in her mouth as usual but it wasn't lit.

"Do any of you have a lighter?" she asked grumpily. "I really need to smoke right now."

"I'm not Walter, you spoiled rich brat," Alucard said in a tired voice as the vampires walked into the large house.

"You **will** light my cigar or else I will gouge out your laser shooting eyes and choke you with your own spine!" Integra screamed. Seras sighed as her master and her master's master began to argue.

"So this is where he learned how to threaten pretty, young ladies with tits," she mumbled to herself as she went into the house. "Not that I'm saying Integra actually has any tits."

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><p>So… what do you think? Extreme OoC is so fun. You should try it out. Anyway I hoped you enjoyed this!<p>

Wheelie

PS: I keep thinking that Integra has a very flat chest for some particular reason...


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